A Wall

I'm so sorry to have been so quiet for a bit.  I really just feel totally overwhelmed by life right now.

Things are somewhat back to normal and yet they aren't.  I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.  I don't expect to be seeing him for awhile longer.  It is, however, nice to be able to talk to him a little more.  He is finally over the horrible H1N1 flu and so I can tell he is handling all the rest of the stuff much better because of it.

k bare commented on my last post that she thought I should not be silent.  I believe her exact words were "fuck silence".  I have been thinking about that.  I'm not sure exactly where I am with it - but it is definitely rolling around in my head a lot right now.

A lot has changed in the last month.  I'm still trying to put my finger on it exactly.  I think it comes down to fear for me.  We had an incident a week before all hell broke loose.  An incident that left us each needing from each other the exact opposite.  He needed space, time, just for a day.  I needed him close, reassuring, immediately.  But he spoke first, and in my hurt and fear and sadness, I didn't speak up about what I needed.  I stepped away silently for that day.  When we talked about it later, it was abundantly clear to me that a whole new set of walls that had never been there before had suddenly gone up.  There was not time to deal with that before his wife found his cell phone.

The result it seems, is that my walls are built higher and stronger than they have ever been in our relationship.  He does not have the ability to deal with those walls right now - he has to deal with his family.

And so things are very different now.  Maybe it is a good different.  Maybe it isn't.  I'm pretty sure he is still too self involved (which at the moment he should be) to even be able to see that they are there.

The wall is built and is growing daily.  It isn't insurmountable - but it is getting bigger.  I am afraid to stop building it.  I am more afraid of him not tearing it back down.

xxx,
DD

Plans

We had plans for one night this week. He was going to cook for me. We were going sit outside and look at the stars. He was going to let me kneel next to him. I was going to be collared. We were going to make love.

Instead I am sitting home alone. I am aching for him. I am lonely. I am hurting. I am sad.

xxx,
DD

Silence

I survived the weekend.  I spent a lot of time in his shirt.  I needed to be there.  I did things I knew he'd want me to do.  I tried not to think about what was going on.  I spent a lot of time with my memories of us.  I reread emails. I stayed busy.  I kept moving.

Monday is here and I did get to IM with him briefly.  As I had been afraid of, him being sick made things harder than they already were.  His wife does not deal with him being sick very well.  She gets angry at him.

His family tells him he should take this as his chance to leave her.  His close friends say the same thing.  His wife's family knows he should be leaving and hopes he won't.  Anyway - that's the cliff notes version.  His is not my story to tell.

It was hard to talk to him this morning and not beg him to leave her for a happier life for him and his kids.  I would never ask him to leave her and come to me.  For me, the two need to not be connected.  I am not divorcing X so that I can be with PC.  But I do believe (like his family does) that he and his kids would be happier if he left.  I know it would be a long journey - one I'm on myself - and I know it would be a hard journey - but I do believe he'd be happier.

But I can't say that to him.  What he wants is for his family to stay together.  What I want is for him to be happy and to have what he wants.  So, whether or not I like his choice, he has my complete support.

A large part of what I'm doing right now is staying silent. I have to believe that he knows how I feel.  I cannot keep reminding him right now.  He doesn't need that distraction.

Loving him in silence is the best thing I can do for him right now.  And so I am.  I just wish I could do more.

xxx,
DD

Lonely

I'm not really even sure where to begin today.  But I know I need to write.

I feel so alone right now.  I know I'm really not - but I feel that way.  I told PC that one time when things at home were so rough and I was really struggling and he promised me I would never be alone because I always had him no matter what.  So right now - not having him - makes me feel like I have this huge gaping whole in my soul.

He asked me Monday to make him 3 promises during all of this.  In a lot of ways it was unfair for him to do so.  He knows that there is nothing I would deny him.  He knows that all he has to do is wish for it and if it is within my ability to do so, I will make it happen.  He knows that even if I wanted to - I could not tell him "no".  And he asked me anyway.

The first thing he asked I thought was a bit ridiculous.  He has been helping me plan a trip for me and my kids for this summer.  Not a trip he would join us on obviously.  But he was getting so much pleasure from helping me find the right place to stay, decide on activities, plan all the little details.  He was waiting anxiously for me to tell my kids where we were going and wanted pictures of their excitement.  He made me promise that I would keep planning the trip, let him help where he could, but not to give up the vacation.  He said he hadn't been doing it for himself, or even for me, but that he loved my kids and he wanted them to have this and he didn't want me to stop just because things were crazy right now.

What in the world was he thinking?  I mean seriously!  His whole world is in upheaval and he's asking me to keep planning this vacation as if nothing had changed.  He's just like that - and still it catches me off guard sometimes.  So while I haven't actually done anything more than put a little more money into my savings account, I'm trying to keep this promise to him.

The second thing he asked was not as absurd.  In fact it made good sense.  He asked me to let him have some space to deal with this stuff and for it to be ok for us not to see each other for a bit.  He needs space, I want to give him what he needs.  It is hard.  I find myself struggling with this one as the days pass. Not so much because I want to see him so badly (although I do want to see him so bad it hurts), but because I just want to TALK to him.  I want to hear his voice.  I want to know how he is.  So however hard it is - I am doing what he asked here.

The third thing he asked was for me to let myself go down the path of "the world is coming to an end".  It is a defense mechanism for me I think.  He recognizes it, he knows how to pull me out of it.  But he can't be here to pull me out of it right now and so I have to do my best to stay out of that frame of mind.  It is easier than it sounds.  I already know what the worst case scenario is - and it rips at my very core to even let my mind sit there for a moment or two.  Even a day without him in my life is unbearable.  But I'm doing the best I can.  I remind myself often during the day that he does NOT want me going there and I do my best to remind myself that this is not what he wants right now either.  But this is where we are and we'll make it through.

But right now, I feel so lonely and so very alone.  I miss my PC.

xxx
DD

I Miss My Best Friend

I miss my best friend.  That's pretty much where I am at the moment.  I am not letting myself think much about what is going to happen to US when the dust settles.  It is a promise I made him and I am doing everything I can to keep that promise.  Right now, I just really miss him as my friend.

My whole has been so flipped upside down in the last year.  There are 3 people who I give credit to keeping me sane.  A long time friend (HF), Pocket Secrets, and PC.  HF only knows bits and pieces of what's going on right now.  Pocket Secrets is on the other side of the country.  PC is my day in and day out steady rock to cling to.

So many days I was sure I would not make it through and he gently and lovingly coaxed me out of that dark place.  He has believed things for me that I could not at the time believe for myself.  I have depended so heavily on him.  And now he is completely inaccessible to me.

I know it is selfish of me.  My poor sweet baby is very sick AND dealing with hell at home.  And I'm whining because I need him for me. 

It rips at my very soul that I can do nothing for him.  And I need him.  I feel lost without him.

There is nothing I would love more right now than to be sitting with him on the dock watching the sailboats come in and out of the harbor....holding hands, laughing, and solving all the world's problems.

I just miss him.  A lot.

xxx
DD

Welcome to A Double Dos Roller Coaster

We had had a bit of a rough week but had overcome it and ended the day with big smiles.  The next day was a bit of a quiet day, as he was pretty busy at work.  No matter how busy he was though he knew after the rough week we'd had it was important for us to stay connected.  So we chatted a bit throughout the day and he called on his way home just to hear my voice.  To the best of my knowledge we'd be heading into the weekend on a good note and I was happy.

My life is so stinkin complicated.....but I was happy.  He is my best friend, he is my steady rock, he is my lover.  For the purposes of this blog, we will call him my Prince Charming (PC).  And he really is.  He is incredible.  I won't bore you with all of that now - but you'll see if you stay with me.

I had no idea that when I went home happy on Thursday night and he went home happy on Thursday night that his world (and subsequently mine) would be forever changed.  See as perfect as he is for me...as close as we are...as much as we love each other....he is not really mine.  And Thursday night his wife discovered a text from me and went insane. 

Friday morning when PC got to work and logged onto IM he painted a picture of a nightmarish night for him.  His wife took a hammer to his cell phone, as well as his Kindle.  She was so mad she even hit him (ok not with the hammer but no doubt she thought about it).

My heart was broken.  He was so upset.  So distraught.  I would have given anything to take that away from him.  What hurt me the most was knowing that his pain was in part, my fault.  He won't hear of me blaming myself for this....but I do.

We only talked a few minutes that morning...a few excruciating minutes before he had to go and deal with the stuff at home.

That same day I filed for divorce.  Something that had been coming for awhile.  I've been separated since the summer.  Still....the act of actually filing was painful.  My soon to be exhusband (we'll call him X) is a good man and I do wish we had gone a different path.

The weekend was tourturous for me.  Not hearing from PC.  Not knowing how he was....what was going on.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same.  But add to Monday that I was given some bad news regarding one of my kids and add to Tuesday that one of my other kids got in a lot of trouble.

Wednesday rolls around and I find out that PC has been tested positive for H1N1 flu.

That's when I decided that one dose of my Prozac is simply not going to be enough for me.  I need something more.  I need a place to vent, to get this stuff off my chest, whine, bitch, cry, and hopefully share my excitement as things get better.  Because they have to get better don't they? 

So join me on my roller coaster ride........

xxx
DD