Let's be frank, the economy has got us all fucked up right now. People are losing their homes by the thousands! Where does that leave the horny folks? We gotta have a place to get down right?? Not everyone can pay for expensive hotel nights. Hell, if your place is in foreclosure, chances are you had trouble paying the damn payments on your regular place, you won't be renting out a spot! There's always the free places. Let's call them Recession era hook up spots. Yep! Out in public! This is a double pleasure for the exhibitionist type or the freak that likes danger. You just have to do it right. I'll show you how to do this, sun!
1 - Movie Theaters
Sex Type: Oral; digital manipulation
Arrest Risk: Low
A darkened theater provides just the right amount of coverage and if the movie is good enough know one is looking around. Of course if the movie is TOO good the theater is packed. Avoid a crowded theater at all costs. It'll surprise you how nosey some people are. Go see a film in its third or fourth week of release during a very odd time, Wednesday at 3PM for instance. At that time, hell you can probably have full-blown sex in the theater. If you ARE planning to have sex, of course the woman should be on top with her back to the man. This way if someone comes in late (no pun intended) or returns from the bathroom, they won't really notice. She can hop up off and pretend that she's also retaking her seat. You know, the seat without the stiff tool in it. If you've planned ahead, the woman DEFINITELY should wear a skirt or a dress. If it's two women, both should be wearing skirts or dresses...and tell me what theater you're in so I can watch because that's bound to be more intriguing than GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Something free flowing works best. Oral sex is pretty easy for the man to receive in a theater. Just avoid sitting in a row with other people. Try the side. Folks are always packing the center seats. All previous rules apply. Winter is easiest because the woman's head can be blocked from view with a coat or jacket. Oral sex for a woman is nearly impossible unless that theater is EMPTY, but don't risk it. If you're good at it, she'll be flailing and moaning louder than the THX sound. Digitally manipulating her clit. works best if she's wearing a dress, but I've done it in a crowded theater with the woman unzipping herself...she LOVED that movie.
2 - Hotel Lobby Bathroom
Sex Type: All
Arrest Risk: Medium
With the darkened lighting scheme of these new boutique hotels, you can barely see where the hell you're walking much less anything else. Quite often they have unisex bathrooms in the lobby as well. Just make sure there are more than two stalls. The last thing you need is some hotel guest banging on the door trying to get in. Those boutique hotels have big, surly bodyguards. Key to this fun is of course the new style ceiling to floor stall doors. Sure I've heard of people doing it in the classic "I can see your feet" stalls, but with the ceiling to floor doors there's no worry about someone putting one foot up on the toilet creating the three-legged long shitting monster in stall #3. Always try to use an end stall close to the wall! If you are accosted by security, one of you should feign sickness while the other was "helping out". Ask THEM to get a glass of water from the hotel bar for your sick friend. It'll throw them off.
3 - Lounge or Club Bathroom
Sex Type: All
Arrest Risk: Low
Very similar to the hotel bathroom, make sure the stall doors are the floor to ceiling variety of the unisex bathroom style. In this case, a crowded club really doesn't matter because the bathrooms are ALWAYS crowded in popular clubs. You do have to watch out for nosey bathroom attendants. If there is one, be as slippery as possible (no pun intended) when getting both parties into the bathroom together. One person should go into the stall first leaving the door unlocked, the other waits two minutes then joins them. With the noise of the club/lounge music, you can get almost as vocal as you want. Although the screamers (Brooke I understand this means you) should keep it to a dulled moan. This is quickie time. Don't go in thinking you're putting in work. Bathroom attendants get antsy after while. They're scared you're in there ODing on something. So get in and get out (pun intended)
4 - Dressing Room
Sex Type: All (male to female oral depends on the size of the room)
Arrest Risk: Medium to High
Damn those floor to ceiling doors are all the rage! Gotta luv em. This is one of the riskier maneuvers. You don't want to be in a store that's too crowded, has too many bored employees or lines at the dressing room. Try for an odd hour, late afternoon on a weekday or an hour before closing. The employees are too busy watching the clock and trying to get some of the store clean up done. They won't be wondering why that couple has been trying on the same pair of pants for fifteen minutes. What you'll get away with depends on the store and size of the dressing room. The Gap for instance will get you some oral and maybe some cramped doggystyle. Bloomie's (Risky) Nordstrom (riskier) will get you whatever you're daring enough to do. I personally think that's the cause for the store markups on those places. LOL Keep the noise level to a minimum, that muzak ain't covering up screams of passion (again Brooke, I understand this means you). If accosted, ask the attendee for several new sizes and a color that's impossible to find in several items.
5 - Park
Sex Type: Intercourse, oral on male, digital manipulation
Arrest Risk: High
I know several people that have done variations on this. I'm not just talking sitting in a car in a park parking lot. I'm talking in the bushes, on the park bench, out in the open sex. Find the darkest or more secluded area of the park. Central Park, Prospect Park, Fort Greene, Van Cortlandt and Baisley Park for New Yorkers is optimum, though you can get away with some handjob, digitial action in any of your neighborhood parks including Bryant. Just don't be a scum bucket and do it during daylight hours by the kiddie swings. I know people that have done it doggystyle in the dark in Central Park. Watch out for the bugs though. If the cops bust you, you're busted. They can warn you and let you go or really be dicks about the whole thing. One of you should always have an eye out for passerby. That means fellas, if she is squatting and pleasing you, there's no room for you to close your eyes, drop your head back and coast.
6 - Parking Garage
Sex Type: All
Arrest Risk: Low (unless you're in the airport...damn terrorists ruining our way of life)
Sometimes you just can't wait to take your ass home (to the telly, to ya mama's house, whatever). Shopping malls (non Holiday season), Airports, hospitals, etc. all have the type of parking facilities you want. Don't be all out in the open. Be under the overhang or on a middle level, they provide proper shadows and darkened car seats. If possible find the darkest section of the garage, but don't just have your car sitting by itself in the dark. The roving rent-a-cops will roll by and blast the monster light inside making sure the car wasn't dumped by the mob with a dead Vinnie inside. One person should keep an eye out for passerby or other drivers returning to their cars. Otherwise, it's no hold barred "Back Seat of My Jeep" style. If caught by a rent-a-cop apologize. Ladies, "mistakenly" flash a breast to the guy as you pull your bra back up and he'll be so happy he has a story to tell he'll let you go... Then get on your way before the real cops show up.